I Can't

My Mama always taught me not to say "I can't". She would say that if you say that you can't, then you surely cannot. But say that you can, that if you will give it your best, you probably will do quite well. After all, "practice makes perfect!"

But the past months I find myself coming to tears quite frequently, with thoughts of "I just can't!" running through my head. Tell me that it is just a stage. Tell me that one day I will look back and laugh, and see how silly I was. Tell me that I have not lost my marbles & gone totally nuts. Somehow I do not remember my Mama handling life in any way but calm, peaceful, and completely in charge of her children, home, garden, yards, and many other duties. And I see other moms who do the same. And I was trained & raised to do the same. I knew I could & would.

So why then do I feel so snowed under? Why does my yard go up in weeds while I spend untold hours changing diapers, feeding & nursing babies, and reading stories. Why does my garden look like the prize weed patch of the county while I sit at the kitchen table teaching multiplication facts, cursive writing and how water condenses in heat? Why is there bedrooms in my home that embarrass me with how deep the mess is while I knead the bread dough and help little hands measure out flour & sugar & baking powder to bake a cake?

Why do I sooo many times come to the end of the day, get all the littles tucked into beds, and collapse into a chair trying to hold back the tears as I look around at the totally trashed house, and wonder what in the world I accomplished today? What am I missing here? Why am I feeling like such a failure to myself & everyone around me - in almost every area of life? Things that I used to value so much - gone ... things I said I would never do - I'm doing ... things that I never wanted to stoop to - I'm there. God, help me!

Sorry for dumping. Sorry it's not bright & sunny. Maybe tomorrow ... or next week. Or next year.