Treasuring life... Savoring the precious moments: Just Die

About 10 years ago, I was privileged to be mentored by an elderly man called Pilgrim Bill. My family had crossed paths with him as we sang in a ped. mall in Iowa City, and he became a part of our lives in ways that will probably forever impact me. He even lived with our family for many months. One of his main goals in life was to show how it looked in real life to follow Jesus. We had many late-night discussions of taking up the cross and following Jesus, as well as digging into all the verses such as the ones about a seed falling into the ground ...

One subject that sticks with me a lot from day to day is the whole idea of dying to self. I can almost hear him say, "Die, Lou! Die!" when my own will and desires would surface and try to get the upper hand. And over the weeks and months I did. It was a hard, seemingly endless road, but I really did learn what it meant to die and reckon myself dead. What JOY & FREEDOM I found.

However, as I have walked through life, I realize more and more than God takes that initial foundation of death and builds on it. That dying to self is gonna be a life-long series of events and lessons. And that the more I embrace this, the more like Jesus I become. But, Oh! It's just not much fun sometimes!

The latest in my path of dying-to-me events is involving the whole package of mothering 5 children. Yes, I know I have been a mother of 5 for over 7 months now, but for some reason now that the "newborn" can crawl and sit and pull himself up to stand, AND, recognise the moment mommy goes missing, I seem to have entered a whole new phase of giving up my wants & desires. I don't get one moment to myself most days. My personal time with God is stretched even thinner {tho I have taken to just chatting with him out loud throughout the whole day!}. The romance department suffers when we both have our laps full of infants & toddlers. My candy bar gets cut into 6 slivers. Travel time is spent in the back seat between carseats reading Seven Blind Mice and playing In My Grandmother's Attic instead of reading my book or sharing deep conversations with my Hubby. And this past weekend I felt it most keenly as we attended a huge 3-day family gathering in VA. While other visited and played games and had fun, I literally spent 98% of my time tending to, nursing, changing, putting down for naps, feeding, holding, and/or comforting little ones. And I had to keep reminding myself, that my life is not my own.

I am not complaining, really I'm not. I truly do enjoy being a mommy, and my little ones bring me great joy. But I would be less than honest if I did not admit that it is hard sometimes. And that I wonder at times what will be left of me when all of this is over. Then today God gave me a special little illustration of how death brings about such beauty ...